Bender: The liberals fight back
Progressives gathered on 4/20 in a smoke-filled backroom at an undisclosed location that for sure wasn't Leonardo DiCaprio's home.
Actually, it was more of a rave than a meeting — don't take the brown acid — but there were pressing issues on the agenda.
“What if Trump sends all those caravans to our sanctuary cities?” the white guy with culturally-appropriated dreadlocks asked. “The 405 is already a nightmare at rush hour.”
“But think of the liberal voters,” quipped a woman who looked like Nancy Pelosi but probably wasn't.
“Do we really let undocumented immigrants vote?” Dreads asked.
“Not so much,” said Not Nancy, “But it drives Trumpsters crazy, so don't let on.”
“Well, I could use the help on my patchouli farm,” a woman in Birkenstocks allowed. “Full benefits, vision, dental, with goat yoga and meditation breaks, if you know anybody.”
“We're hiring at the Obama-Phones-R-Us Store, too,” said a thespian on the verge of his big break. “Have 'em call me. Press 2 to continue in Spanish.”
“The important thing is we can't let Trump think he's getting away with something,” Not Nancy said. “Remember when he was super-extra exonerated with sugar on top? He just wouldn't shut up about it.”
“Yeah, I'm not sure I can handle all those smug tweets from him and his followers,” Dreads moaned.
“I hear you,” said Birkenstocks. “Do they even spellcheck? I got called a lipturd once. I don't even know how to feel about that.”
“So what'll we do?” Dreads asked.
“We retaliate! We flood red states with liberals,” Not Nancy said, cackling gleefully. “We'll send so many transgenders to North Dakota, they'll be tied up for decades with bathroom legislation alone.”
“I know,” said Birkenstocks, “Let's export climate scientists to Oklahoma! Every time there's a tornado, they can say, 'Told you so.'”
“Bet we can get Oprah to drive a busload of vegans to Nebraska to picket the stockyards,” Thespian added. “And my agent could book the Vagina Monologues all across the Deep South.”
“You are such sick, twisted freaks,” Not Nancy chortled. “Have any of you considered running for office?”
On it went. Solar panels to coal country. Kale to Kansas City. Atheists to Alabama. Black Lives Matter to Boise.
Brownies were served. Some tried the brown acid, anyway. Things got very abstract.
They sent Greenpeace to Salt Lake City to save the whales; Occupy Wall Street to Wall Drug. Someone started a petition to impeach Gerald Ford. Another to make sheep the state bird of Wyoming.
“You folks slay me,” said the spitting image of Leonardo DiCaprio, as he involuntarily spat a delicate pinot noir with apricot and berry overtones and just a whisper of oakiness, across the table. But it wasn't DiCaprio. How could it be? It wasn't even his house.
They added Z to LGBTQ just to keep Mike Pence up at night, and colluded to plant pink flamingos and rainbow flags on his lawn. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez wrote legislation to make Uranus a sanctuary planet. Soros hired thousands to rake the Chattahoochee and hug the trees.
“That'll teach 'em!” Birkenstocks cheered.
“No it won't,” said Not Nancy, “but it'll be fun.”
Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service.